I've failed.
In trying to be selfish for once.
turns out I needed to fail, I guess.
Thinking solely of myself has never ever made me happy.
It has sometimes made me miserable to think how my lack of selfishness has often translated as people's open door to inflict upon me whatever it is that comes out of their experience, their present and hearts.
at least now i learn I have never regretted anything anyone has ever done on me. cuz in some way i needed the experience.
to grow
to face myself
to lead my own living
it had been a while since I had last felt this miserable.
i've cried. my heart and ears out.
i've been sad for days, my energy on the ground, trying to revive it.
sometimes i find it.
sometimes i lose it.
sometimes it just comes to me.
i've learned so much from this! for as close as i was to being fully at ease in my head and heart knowing I had not purposely wronged anyone for as long as I can remember, it only takes a couple of ill decisions to change that. any second. any minute. at any given moment.
whether i want it or not
purposely, or without knowing what you were doing.
i've wronged.
for whatever the reasons, the truth is
i've failed.
i've failed.
one of my masters says "fail harder"
masters I can have many
I can make of anyone
I can find anywhere
people are brilliant if they let themselves shine their essence out into the world.
but
i've wronged
i've failed
and i've done so at the expense of others.
as a vehicle, some say.
to even karma.
as a vehicle, I say.
not even for karma.
and that's how i keep learning
of life's "bigger" purposes.
of living
failing
and how there's nothing left
but to keep trying.
to breathe.
-inhale.
exhale.-
keep living.
for as long as there's life, your purpose is still on its way to absolute, utter and magical fulfillment.
your purpose is already on the course of its magical fulfillment.
you are the course of your very own fulfillment.
you
here
now
are the very manifestation
of magical universal fulfillment.
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